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Between Misselthwaite Manor and Miss Minchin’s Seminary, we find ourselves talking about two films based on Victorian-era stories by author Frances Hodgson Burnett: “The Secret Garden” & “Little Princess”. A light dash of salt flavors our discussion on heroines and their socialization, 90s woke stereotypes, colonial narratives, gothic romance, and of course, our thirst for John Lynch.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to salt we go. In this week’s episode, we mine generous quantities of our favorite mineral while breaking down patriarchal beauty norms, domestic labor, and the psychology behind True Love’s First Kiss. Join us on this deep dive into the classic film Snow White, along with two more recent adaptations of the Brothers Grimm tale: Snow White and the Huntsman and Mirror Mirror.

Continuing our trend of talking about video game characters we’re hornt for, today we walk through the Final Fantasy VII franchise—including 2005’s Advent Children. Tune in for a long-winded discussion about team mom Tifa, hot mess Cloud Strife, and a knock-down, drag-out brawl over Sephiroth’s pirate shirt. Yes, really. 

On today’s episode, Lady Valkyrie AKA Mariet wanders into our lair to discuss the hit Netflix series Castlevania and its video game origins. This series puts a stake through our fangirl hearts with its portrayals of crying softbois, undying love and men in too-tight leather pants. We’re not always hot for vampires, but when we are, it’s vamps with flowing locks and estranged relationships with their fathers (no, we’re not just talking about the church).

Labyrinth Sarah Ball Gown

The lady with all the wikis, Rachael of Scavenger’s Hoard, joins us to discuss the cult classic Labyrinth. We talk about its madcap production history, the importance of this story to our own development, and our appreciation for Jim Henson/George Lucas. Bonus content: join us as we dive deep into the Old Internet to explore the ancient website “David Bowie’s Area.” Yes, it’s still up. Yes, we linked it.

Metamashina Episode 36 The Last Unicorn

Better later than never forever: on today’s episode Erin introduces us to the fantasy classic The Last Unicorn. We identify with Molly Grue far too much, and talk about the transition from childhood to adult concerns. Also featured: a deep dive into the symbolism of Beagle’s original text, along with lots of love for rosy-cheeked skeletons and unicorn ladies.

Content warning: discussions of self-harm, sexual violence, and emo rock’s history of women’s exploitation. We unearth 2009’s Jennifer’s Body to examine its feminist legacy and failures, and have an in-depth discussion on the objectification of women’s trauma through multiple media sources. A decade later we’re reclaiming the word “salty” to mean beautiful (thanks, Diablo Cody).